Lessons from my Gradfather - fond memories

My Grandfather or "poppy" as I call him is an amazing man. I have never met another human being with such a monolithic amount of love to give to others, nor have I ever known one that seems to be truly loved more. I have learned to let those I love know it in words and deeds frequently. He is always telling everyone around him that he loves them. He says it to me, the aides and nurses that take care of him in the nursing home, even the administrator. He will tell a total stranger that stops to chat with him as he sits in his "comfy" chair in the hall that he loves them and he means it from the very depths of his soul.

At the grand age of 92, he is now legally blind and has difficulty walking. He is now a resident at the nursing home in which I work. Every day that I see him, he tells everyone one with pride in his voice "That's my granddaughter Lisa, isn't she beautiful?" and it makes me feel beautiful. He lets me know that I am an important part of his life and I feel gifted to be a part of his. I have tried very hard to pass this wonderful feeling of love and acceptance to others on my path through life but I doubt that I will ever accomplish it as well as my grandfather has. One of my Poppy's favorite sayings is "you can live without love but you cannot have life unless you have love". Could any statement ever uttered possibly be more true? When you really think about it, aren't we merely existing if we do not love others or allow love from others into our lives?

He has days when he gets a bit confused but for the most part his mind is still pretty dang sharp. Yet every day, he still has a sparkle in his eyes, a smile on his face, and a joy for life that is sometimes overwhelming in it's intensity. He has taught me to find pleasure in the simpler things in life, from a perfect flower, to a warm hug, and much much more. The way his mind works is amazing. He can take the most innocent of gestures and turn it into a life lesson. His favorite story to tell is thus:
"you know when Jessica (my niece) gave me that leaf that fell off the tree, she gave it new life. She picked up that fallen leaf and it was dead, but by giving it to me she gave that leaf a new life. Just like Jesus gave us new life by dying on the cross. "


I always attributed my love of music to having a step father in a rock band, there was constant music in our home when I was a child. I now realise I also came upon this beautiful gift from my Poppy. I remember him sitting in his living room listening to the stereo. I remember going to church with him and listening to his heart touching Baritone voice singing "How Great Thou Art" and "The Old Rugged Cross". To this day they are both his, and my favorite hymns.

I know that time is a cruel mistress and one day he will no longer be a part of my world here on Earth but he will forever be a part of my world in my heart and of all those who are blessed enough to have known him.

some more of my poetry chalange poems

Here are more of my poetry challenge poems, the challenge words in order were: Door, Regret,and Echos. The last poem means the most to me as I wrote it for my son Michael when he graduated HS.

Secrets

Door of destiny
what secrets do you hide
from my prying eyes?
What will life bring?
open to me and reveal
that which I seek
peering through keyholes
prying at locks
your unyielding stance
leaves much answered

Door of destiny
what delights do you withhold?
what dreams shall be fulfilled?
searching to find myself
behind your locks
am I even there?


Numb

weary of this life
yearning for something more
emptiness taking over
feeling nothing,
no happiness
no joy,
no pain
soul empty
apathy reigns
why try
why care
shuttering off emotion
hollowness brings peace
adopting a new way
regretting choices
forced to make
then letting regret flow away.


Echos of yesterday

Lying in the darkness
surrounded by silence
they start out as a whisper
the echos of yesterday
memories dance
though my mind
a tiny hand in mine
a sunny smile
an infectious chuckle
sparking eyes
full of wonder
a yellow school bus
and little backpack
how brave you were!
Now a man
ready to
take on the world
pride fills
my heart and soul
yet deep
in my heart
always my
little boy.

My silly side

Some silly poems I have written, The first I wrote about my emergency appendectomy last summer and YES I was under the influence of some powerful pain meds at the time but there really is no excuse for it LOL. The second one, was a challenge poem from my poetry group I was in...The challenge word was "Ho" so ummm errrr.....enjoy heehee!

Ode To My Appendix

The kaleidescope of colors swirl
the pain it is so great
why does my stomach hurt me so?
was it something that i ate?
stabbing, shooting pain
perhaps it was some glass?
whatever the hell it it was,
this sure is a pain in the ass!

hospital, here I come,
i sure hope they don't think i'm dumb
they poke and prod
they jab and stab
and stick me in a bed
watch what the Hell your doing!
you almost dropped me on my head!

the surgeon comes in and shakes his head
and says i have bad news
it seems that there is an organ
that you are about to lose
they give me a shot,
my mind goes to pot

a few hours later
after a conversation
with Ralf Nader?
I am feeling quite fine
the drugs that they give me
leave me feeling sublime.

Cheater

jubulantly she glides
down the isle
the magical day has arrived
the honeymoon is sweet
a week in paradise
then off
to a new home she goes
a year rolls by
fillowed by
the pitter patter of little feet
he comes home late one night
and her heart it does wrench
for on him she can smell
another ho's stench!

More about me

SO I kind of stole this idea from a friend, I am not going to exactly follow what she did, I doubt I have the patience to list a hundred things about myself and I doubt that there is even 100 things that are interesting enough to publish about me.

1. Obviously I have a very low self esteem, you can tell from the above comment. I know this and do try to work on it when I remember to. This stems from some incidences in childhood that I chose not to mention publicly do to the trouble it could cause if certain persons read this blog.
2. I am an Internet junkie, I only watch 2-3 hours of televisions a week. Part of this is because we only have one television and part is because I find soap operas and reality shows insipid for the most part.
3. My favorite smell is wood smoke. As long as it isn't someones house burning down anyway.
4. I like to write poetry, it is not always great or grammatically correct, but I find it relaxing and sometimes cathartic. I like writting silly poems too, which i assure you, you will be seeing very soon.
5. The smell of Old Spice and Aqua Velva remind me of my Grandpa Gardner. It evokes many wonderful memories of sitting next to him in church and hearing him sing "How Great Thou Art" and "The Old Rugged Cross".
6. I have a love/hate relationship with my very wild, uncontrollable hair. It is very thick and curly and my mom and sister are constantly telling me how horrible I look with long hair and that I should get it cut.
7. I love having my hair washed and brushed. I melt right into the chair I am sitting in when someone does either to me. For some reason it Reilly seems to ease my tensions.
8. My 3 favorite flowers are tulips, Gerber daisies, and pansies.
9. I am a meat and potatoes girl. I love a nice pot roast with homemade mashed potatoes and peas.
10. The idea of even TRYING sushi makes me gag
11. My step dad was in a hard rock/heavy metal band so although I like most kinds of music (you can keep disco and rap/hip hop) a am a metal head at heart.
12. My hubby is nosey as all get out about what I am doing when I am on the computer but I still love him.
13. I have one older brother (3 yrs) and two younger sisters that are fraternal twins (8 yrs)
14. I know for certain I have ADHD although I have never been officially dx'd with it. I am easily distracted, often impatient for results, and get bored with projects quickly. I was often called an "airhead" or "space cadet" as a child because of meanderings into my own little world.
15. I am a pepsi/coke-aholic. I do not like the taste of coffee not mater how much sugar or milk is added to it therefor, I get my caffeine the next best way.
16. I have terrible nasal and eye allergies - fresh cut grass, flowers, trees, and the chemicals I have to use at work.
17 I have been smoking since I was 14 years old. I am trying to quit but am not doing a great job of it.
18. My favorite show as a child was "The Muppet Show" and my favorite characters were the Swedish Chef, Beaker and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.
19. I still laugh my head off every time I see an episode of the above mentioned show.
20. My favorite Cheech and Chong movie is "Up In Smoke". My favorite parts is when the stoned cop is directing traffic and when they are on stage singing "Mama talkin to me tryin to tell me how to live..." Gotta love that Tutu get up!
21. I have 4 children two of whom have some serious issues so life is never dull around my house.
22. I have done Relay for life for the past 3 years and plan to continue to do it as long as I am still able to walk.
23. I collect pop tabs for our local RMHC....They were so good to my family when my daughter was in the hospital for 5 weeks and although I cannot pay they monetarily for their kindness, I do what I can to help them.
24. Sometimes I think my hubby is my youngest child.
25. I often find it hard to make friends, my upbringing often leaves me questioning the motives of others and makes it hard for me to open up about myself sometimes. Another issue I am trying to work on.
26. I have never learned how to drive. I have a major phobia not that I will hit someone but that someone will hit me and I will be unable to avoid it.
27. I am afraid of spiders.
28. I have worn glasses for what seems to be eons and just got my first pair of bi-focals. I think I look weird without glasses.
29. My eyes are my best feature, my smile my worst.
30. I haven't seen a dentist for over 20 years and would be embarrassed to see one now because my teeth are in such bad shape.
31. You will rarely see a picture of me and if you do see one I will most likely NOT be smiling.
32. My favorite Perfumes are the Beautiful line by Estee Lauder.
33. TP goes over the top!
34. I need some serious help on my organisation skills.
35. I wish I could by my hubby a '68 Mustang and a 2007 Mustang convert able
36. My favorite color is sunshine yellow, followed closely by Sapphire blue.
37. I love to read true crime, horror, ghosts, and fantasy.
38. I once went to Gettysburg, Pa and would love to go again someday and take my kids this time.
39. It hurts when people criticise me but crushes me when they criticise my children.
40. I actually LIKE doing laundry but I HATE doing dishes. Anybody who wants to buy me a dishwasher for my birthday or Christmas feel free to do so. Trust me, it will NOT be turned down LOL.
41. If I had the money I would get certain parts of me lifted but not enhanced.
42. I never wear make-up. I have never been actually taught how to apply it and I have Rosacea and makeup does not cover it well.
43. I sometimes wonder if people are really interested in what I have to say or if they are listening just to be polite
44. I have an offbeat/weird/slightly naughty/sometimes sarcastic sense of humor.
45. I have always wanted to visit Ireland, Scotland and Holland, even as a little girl and have no clue why.
46. When i was little I wanted to be an interior designer
47. I think it would be neat to be an occupational or physical therapist
48. I have such a bad fear of failure I often don't even want to try. Another issue I must work on.
49. I have a reasonably high IQ (around 130) but seldom show it.
50. I can't think of anything else anyone else would want to know about me but if there is something you wanna know just ask. If it is something that I don't want to answer I will just tell you so.

Early Summer Evening

The meadow awaits
for evening's cool breath
with hushed anticipation
wildflowers perch
on delicate stems
prepared to dance
to natures tune
the setting sun
paints the sky
with brush strokes of crimson
The katydids begin to fiddle
peepers join in
the symphony
as bullfrogs sing a call for rain

Emptiness

Emptiness spans unending
chilling me to the bone
ice cold, like frozen tundra
the apathetic stares of those around
show no knowledge
of danger in store
the wind blows with a banshee's scream
echoing in my heart.

Velvet darkness surrounds
faint light flickers
drawing the dreamer closer
beckoning to his soul
come to me,come to me
the auspicious glow
sings to his very being
enter and see
what is now to you unknown
your gifts shall strengthen
your guide will lead
should you lose your way
are you ready to start
the journey of a lifetime?

Winter

The air is crisp and cold
icicles dangle like crystal pendants
silence surrounds
wrapping me in a blanket of peace
Wood smoke wafting in the breeze
sooths the soul with comfort
sunlight sends dancing diamonds
on the snow
Frost paints a lacy picture
upon my window panes
as winter lays it's claim
upon the land once again.

I was a hooker at 13.

When I was about 13 years old, my mom bought me a latch hook rug kit for Christmas. It was a pretty picture of a butterfly on a flower and I loved it. I worked on it diligently day after day. Insert hook, loop the yarn around, and pull it through. I worked on it while reading, watching TV, and even eating dinner at times. I finally finished it and proudly displayed it on my bedroom wall for all to see.
My sisters, who are twins, had just turned 7 at that time.. They were sitting in the toy corner playing with their little tea set and baby dolls, looking all cute and innocent while my mom watched the news a week or so after I had finished my project. There was some type of mention of a hooker on the news and they ,of course (being the curious little girls they were), wanted to know what a hooker was. My mom was not sure how to answer, so she told them it was a person who made latch hook rugs like mine. BIG MISTAKE MOM!!!!!!!!!
A couple of days later, my mom gets a call from the school principal. Both of my sister's had the same teacher for 1st grade that I did when I was their age. They proudly marched into school that day and informed Mrs. Wheeler "My sister Lisa is a hooker!" I think my mom turned about 10 different shades of red during that phone call. LOL

I just Love messing with their heads!

I can't help it, call me mean if you want to, I do not care. Sometimes I just gotta see how outrageous I can get before my kids realize I am not serious. One night about a year ago for instance....

I had gone to Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of items, and came across a cool little gadget in the food wraps section. It was a food sealer by Ziplock, neat little thing. I splurged and paid the $10 for it, I probably shouldn't have but quite frankly I was sick to death of freezer burnt pork chops for dinner towards the middle of the month. It has special bags you have to put the food in( trust me, I WILL be recycling these puppies), and the bags each have a little blue dot where you place the nozzle of the sealing device.

Naturally, like any new toy, I HAD to play around with it a little when I got home. I had myself a grand ole time, and sealed all my hamburger and pork chops. Just as I finished placing my last set of pork chops in vapor lock heaven, my phone rang. I tossed the newly sealed bag of meat in the freezer, set my new toy on the table, and practically hurdled the living room chair to get to the phone before whoever called hung up. Unfortunately it was my SIL, I should have taken more time to answer the phone. After an hour of listening to senseless yammering, and with a numb ear, I hung up and proceeded to get on my computer, and happily loose myself in cafemomland. My new kitchen toy, temporally left forgotten, on the kitchen table.

UNTIL...........

in walks my 15 yr old DD with said food sealer in hand and so the conversation goes:

Casey - "hey mom whats this?"

(I must say at this point the evil mommy in me took over)

Me - " Oh! I forgot! I bought that for you."

Casey - "Well, what is it?"

Me - "It's an air pump."

Casey - "what do I need an air pump for?

Me - "well, you see this part right here?" (I am pointing to the nozzle that sucks the air out of the bags) "Your supposed to put this part on your nipple and press the button on top. It will pump air into your boobs and make them bigger"

Casey - (rolling her eyes as ONLY a teenager can do) " You are so gross mom!" and flounces outta the room.

heehee, sometimes I just can't help myself. But then again, it is so fun, who wants the help? lmao

There's nothing like a little sticky love slobber

OK, my family is affectionate, but tonight they got a bit carried away I think.

I am sitting in a chair in the living room, minding my own business and peacefully eating pancakes for dinner. The great and noble hubby raises from the couch and gives me a quick peck on the cheek as he passes to take his plate and mine into the kitchen. This is quietly observed by a big brown eyed little charmer of 9 yrs in age. My knight in slightly dented armor returns, bearing the wondrous gift of an icy cold glass of milk as requested and places on the stand next to my chair. He then bends down and once again bestows his love through a kiss on my cheek. The little charmer suddenly leaps up from his perch at my feet and insists on kissing my cheek too. Suddenly it is a mad scramble between father and son.

The battle is a fierce one lasting a good 10 minutes with both parties trying desperately to be the last person to leave their mark upon my now sticky, syrup covered, slobbered on face. Not one inch from brow to chin has been spared from the onslaught of male possessiveness. As I stand in the bathroom ready to wash the traces of their battle off my face, I stop and think.......perhaps I should just leave it there for a while, sticky or not. I then realized all those sticky love slobber kisses have already been ingrained into my heart, I do not need the physical reminder.

I think tomorrow night we will have something that doesn't involve syrup for dinner though lol.

This post was originally on another site in 2007

Independance day poem

This is one of many poems I wrote for the poetry contest I used to participate in. The words chosen for the poem to contain were Red, White, or blue.

Red Blood, White Crosses

Red blood shed
white crosses in a row
Blue uniforms on soldiers
standing straight and tall
The price that was paid
to celebrate
this day of Independence
rememberour soldiers
old and new
give glory to them
and the Red, White, and Blue

Written July 2nd, 2007 by Lisa Budinger

A poem for my beautiful daughter who is fighing a brain tumor

Our Will

Porcelain skin
against a snow white sheet
can she hear me?
does she know I am here?
it wasn't supposed
to be like this
my little girl
life hanging by a thread
green monitors cast
an eerie glow
in the darkened room
softly she sighs
bringing me to wakefulness
she sees me and smiles
she shows no fear
as she feels the bandage
around her head
tubes draining into a bag
at her side
a tumor
has tried to take her away
I can see
the fight in her
the will to survive
I admire her strength
as I tremble inside
four years we have fought since
and shall continue on
we will not be defeated
our will is too strong.

written July 5th 2007 By Lisa Budinger

Poem for a dear friend

I wrote this poem for a very dear friend of mine who has suffered many life threatening conditions this past year. She is still struggling with health issues and I continue to send posative energies her way.


I am sending you an Angel
to watch over you tonight
to help soothe your troubled mind
and to ease your fright
the fear of the unknown is hard my friend
this I know to be true
so i think I'll send just a few dozen more
to watch over you
may they bring you peace
when all seems to be in despair
remember also my dearest friend
I will always be there!

Why I Am Here. My Journey To Blogdom

I used to be a member of a poetry writing group that now no longer exists. I really enjoyed the group and miss it a lot, we had a lot of fun there. Besides posting or previously written poetry to share with other members we also had a poetry challenge. For the challenge, we would take turns choosing a word and everyone would have to write an original poem using the chosen word. Sometime the poems would be serious, sometimes naughty, silly, or just plain bad but we had a great time. I will be posting the poems that I wrote for that group over time and am contemplating asking my readers (if I have any) to provide me with words that they would like for me to use in a poem.
I would like to write a book someday but with my short attention span and my occasional impatience (I like to see immediate results) i doubt that will happen so this is the next best thing for me right now.