I found this post on another website and found it important enough to share here. I, like the OP was a victim of abuse at one time in my life and know that everything the OP says is the truth:
If you're reading this then either my title caught your attention or maybe it's because you're one of the many women here on this website (and so many others) who faces varying degrees of abuse every day here in the US and abroad.
If you're the former, you're welcome to read and comment...this is a topic near to my heart and is VERY important. The reason I'm writing to you today is because I'm the daughter of an abused mother and ... I'm also a victim of abuse so, I have some opinions on this topic and some perspective I'd like to share with you.
I want you to ask yourself this today and every day here after ... not for yourself, but for your children who you love so much. If you read NOTHING else in my letter please dedicate these questions to memory:
1. Is my husband, with all his faults, the sort of man I want my son to be like when he grows up? Would I really be okay with him growing into a man who treats others the way my husband treats me (and god forbid, if he's abusing the children too, how he treats them.)
2. Am I the sort of woman I want my daughter to grow into? If I make excuses for my abuser's actions, would I really be okay seeing my daughter treated as I am treated by my husband every day, by some other woman's son?
Too often women will endure emotional, mental, and physical abuse for a laundry list of reasons and never leave their abusers because they are confident that their husband "would never hurt the children."
Maybe you're one of those moms; so afraid of being alone or of all the difficulties you'd face on your own, that you would rather endure your abuser's actions ... "so long as he never hurts the kids."
If this sounds like you... if it could be you in time if things get worse... PLEASE heed my advice: Your son IS hurt by this man if even if he never says a bad word to your boy or lays a finger on him... he's hurt because he's smart enough to see what's going on even if you're hiding it somehow. He's learning what a man is from the most important man in his & your life. Your son, no matter how kind and smart he is, will remember YOUR most important lesson to him... how a woman should be with him... how she should accept being treated. Are you his role-model's equal? Are you his role-model best friend? If you're not these things, consider for a moment how your son views the dynamics between you and the man in your life. Your son will remember what to expect of women by watching you... and how to treat them by watching him.
As for your daughters, the man in their lives is very important... take it from a girl who grew up in an abusive home and went on her own way saying "I'll never be in relationships like that" and then did just that... all through college and who asked myself "how did I end up with a guy like this?" Because it sure as heck wasn't what I was looking to be with.
If you're sitting there at your computer thinking "you can't help who you love" (one of my own mother's favorite things to say in justification of why we couldn't leave) then imagine how much it will rip your heart out to hear your beautiful little girl say those same words to you one day... and worse that she will believe them. Your daughter learns what is acceptable for a man to be like from him... and she learns what is alright to endure from a man, from you.
Your children DO learn from your actions just as much as by your words and while not every child grows to be a clone of their parent's good actions and bad ones... many do. Please, stop the cycle of abusers and the abused. Take a long hard look at your life TODAY (don't wait) and ask yourself the questions above... then make a choice about what sort of life example you want to set for your children not as a loving wife, or a scared woman, but as a Mother who would give ANYTHING for your children. You may not fear that the man in your life will kill you or your children but the choice you make today may shape who they are in years to come.
This is your chance. Can you... would you REALLY give ANYTHING for your children as we mothers always say we can/would do if need be? If you're living in an abusive relationship, it might feel like you are being asked in this letter to do just that... to give your world up. I am sorry for your pain, truly I am, but today is the day you prove those words about your love for your children to be true *AND* I promise that once you've left, in time (may not today or tomorrow but soon) you'll come to see you didn't give up anything at all... you welcomed the chance for new and better happiness and have given a gift to your children better than ANYTHING money can ever buy this holiday season.
Have courage, YOU CAN DO THIS ... if you need a friend to encourage you then please, drop me any number of women here a line. So many of us would be happy to send some positive vibes/prayers/friendly words your way and be an ear to those in need. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Just remember, you're not leaving a man who might love you the way you want one day... you're leaving for the children you know will never stop.
May God Bless & Keep All of You,
-Dee
Please... protect your babies. End the cycle of abuse.
Thanks for reading... here's some more information that might help
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Family Violence Prevention Fund
Locate a woman's shelter on-line
Dec 25, 2008
A different Christmas poem
This poem was not written by me so i will not be posting it on my poetry blog, but it does send a powerfull message out for us parents with a child on the spectrum.
Twas the Night Before ChristmasAnd all through the house The creatures were stirring Yes, even the mouse! We tried melatonin And gave a hot bath But the holiday jitters They always distract! The children were finallyAll nestled in bed When nightmares of terror Ran through my OWN head Did I get the right gift The right color And style Would there be a tantrum Or even, maybe, a smile? Our relatives come But they don’t understand The pleasure he gets Just from flapping his hands.
"He needs discipline," they say "Just a well-needed smack, You must learn to parent.." And on goes the attack We smile and nod Because we know deep inside The argument is moot Let them all take a side We know what it’s likeTo live with the spectrum The struggles and triumphs Achievements, regressions….
But what they don’t know And what they don’t see Is the joy that we feel Over simplicity He said "hello" He ate something green! He told his first lie! He did not cause a scene! He peed on the potty Who cares if he’s ten, He stopped saying the same thing Again and again! Others don’t realize Just how we can cope How we bravely hang on At the end of our rope But what they don’t see Is the joy we can’t hide When our children with autism Make the tiniest stride We may look at others Without the problems we face With jealousy, hatred Or even distaste, But what they don’t know Nor sometimes do we Is that children with autism Bring simplicity.
We don’t get excited Over expensive things We jump for joy With the progress work brings Children with autism Try hard every day That they make us proud More than words can say.
They work even harder Than you or I To achieve something small To reach a star in the sky So to those who don’t get it Or can’t get a clue Take a walk in my shoes And I’ll assure you… That even 10 minutes Into the walk You’ll look at me With respect, even shock.
You will realize What it is I go through And the next time you judge I can assure you That you won’t say a thing You’ll be quiet and learn, Like the years that I did
Twas the Night Before ChristmasAnd all through the house The creatures were stirring Yes, even the mouse! We tried melatonin And gave a hot bath But the holiday jitters They always distract! The children were finallyAll nestled in bed When nightmares of terror Ran through my OWN head Did I get the right gift The right color And style Would there be a tantrum Or even, maybe, a smile? Our relatives come But they don’t understand The pleasure he gets Just from flapping his hands.
"He needs discipline," they say "Just a well-needed smack, You must learn to parent.." And on goes the attack We smile and nod Because we know deep inside The argument is moot Let them all take a side We know what it’s likeTo live with the spectrum The struggles and triumphs Achievements, regressions….
But what they don’t know And what they don’t see Is the joy that we feel Over simplicity He said "hello" He ate something green! He told his first lie! He did not cause a scene! He peed on the potty Who cares if he’s ten, He stopped saying the same thing Again and again! Others don’t realize Just how we can cope How we bravely hang on At the end of our rope But what they don’t see Is the joy we can’t hide When our children with autism Make the tiniest stride We may look at others Without the problems we face With jealousy, hatred Or even distaste, But what they don’t know Nor sometimes do we Is that children with autism Bring simplicity.
We don’t get excited Over expensive things We jump for joy With the progress work brings Children with autism Try hard every day That they make us proud More than words can say.
They work even harder Than you or I To achieve something small To reach a star in the sky So to those who don’t get it Or can’t get a clue Take a walk in my shoes And I’ll assure you… That even 10 minutes Into the walk You’ll look at me With respect, even shock.
You will realize What it is I go through And the next time you judge I can assure you That you won’t say a thing You’ll be quiet and learn, Like the years that I did
Dec 21, 2008
Acknowleding those in the service industry
During this holiday season, many of you acknowledge those in the service industry by giving them a small gift or card and I am SURE that acknowledgment is greatly appreciated. From the mail carrier who trudges through all sorts of weather, the doorman that works at your building, the mechanic that fixes your car, the bag boy who carries your groceries (yes, they DO still exist). The majority of them work hard to please you, and like to know that their efforts to do so have not gone unnoticed.
But what of those who go unnoticed? I work in one of "those" service industries. What do I do? I am a housekeeper in a nursing home. Every year at this time the resident wings are flooded with fruit baskets, cookies, flowers, poinsettias, and many other little treats from doctors, pharmacies, and family members to thank the nurses and aides that care for the residents that live there. That's good, they deserve it. They work hard and strive to do their best to make each resident safe, comfortable, and well cared for. They lend an ear to the lonely, comfort the sad, and ease the pain of the hurting.
That leads me to the four positions that are taken for granted where I work, those being kitchen, maintenance, laundry, and of course housekeeping.
Every day the kitchen staff provides 3 well balanced meals for somebody's loved on to eat. They make snacks for the residents and cater all the facility parties. They make each resident a special meal on their birthday.
The maintenance staff make sure that there is heat and hot water, the walkways and parking lot are free of hazards, the lawn is mowed, and fix things that break in a timely manor.
Laundry washes your loved one's clothing, sheets, and blankets. The make sure there are clean towels and wash clothes for showers, baths, and routine care.
Now for my position...housekeeping. Wanna know what we do every day? I'll tell you exactly what we do.
Day shift - (in an 8 hr period)
Clean 22 residents bedrooms and bathrooms EVERY day.
Clean the shower room which consists of 2 walk in tubs, a shower, a toilet and 2 sinks.
Clean the nurse's station and bathroom - each wing has one
Clean the mini kitchen on the wing
Clean the wing dining room both after breakfast and lunch.
Check all toilet paper, soap, purell, and paper towel dispensers and refill them as needed
Sweep and mop the clean soil, resident storage, lift, and nurse's storage rooms as needed.
Vacuum entire wing at least three times a week
Clean up any spills or extra messes when paged.
But what of those who go unnoticed? I work in one of "those" service industries. What do I do? I am a housekeeper in a nursing home. Every year at this time the resident wings are flooded with fruit baskets, cookies, flowers, poinsettias, and many other little treats from doctors, pharmacies, and family members to thank the nurses and aides that care for the residents that live there. That's good, they deserve it. They work hard and strive to do their best to make each resident safe, comfortable, and well cared for. They lend an ear to the lonely, comfort the sad, and ease the pain of the hurting.
That leads me to the four positions that are taken for granted where I work, those being kitchen, maintenance, laundry, and of course housekeeping.
Every day the kitchen staff provides 3 well balanced meals for somebody's loved on to eat. They make snacks for the residents and cater all the facility parties. They make each resident a special meal on their birthday.
The maintenance staff make sure that there is heat and hot water, the walkways and parking lot are free of hazards, the lawn is mowed, and fix things that break in a timely manor.
Laundry washes your loved one's clothing, sheets, and blankets. The make sure there are clean towels and wash clothes for showers, baths, and routine care.
Now for my position...housekeeping. Wanna know what we do every day? I'll tell you exactly what we do.
Day shift - (in an 8 hr period)
Clean 22 residents bedrooms and bathrooms EVERY day.
Clean the shower room which consists of 2 walk in tubs, a shower, a toilet and 2 sinks.
Clean the nurse's station and bathroom - each wing has one
Clean the mini kitchen on the wing
Clean the wing dining room both after breakfast and lunch.
Check all toilet paper, soap, purell, and paper towel dispensers and refill them as needed
Sweep and mop the clean soil, resident storage, lift, and nurse's storage rooms as needed.
Vacuum entire wing at least three times a week
Clean up any spills or extra messes when paged.
Evening shift - (a 6 hr shift)
Empty garbage and vacuum 21 offices
Clean 7 bathrooms
Clean the dentist/podiatrist treatment room, exam room, activities, PT and OT
Vacuum the lobby, halls, and rugs by the entrances.
Sweep and mop entrance and back hall that leads to the service area
Clean the dining rooms on each wing after dinner, The main resident dining area, the staff lounge, and the atrium
Dust vents, ceiling fans, door casings, and light fixtures as needed
Collect the garbage from all wings, offices, dining rooms and lobby into one large cart and take them to the garbage bin. This includes 3 outside garbage cans, even when it IS only 10 degrees fahrenheit out.
Answer all calls to clean spills, "acidents", and incedences of residents vomiting on floors/carpeting
Check and fill all soap, toilet paper, purell, and paper towel dispensers.
While doing all this, we also find time to quickly lend an ear and dispense a hug when needed. We offer warm greetings and smile to all we come across.
What do we receive in return? NOTHING! No goodies or flowers, no cards or even a thank you. Did you honestly think this stuff just magically did itself? If it were not for us four departments, you loved ones would not be getting the wonderful care they are receiving. They would not be getting meals and snacks, their wheel chairs oiled, laundry washed and have a clean bed to sleep in.
Please, if you have a loved one living in a residential care facility, take time to acknowledge the hard work of those behind the scenes. We don't necessarily want all the goodies, though they would be nice, a simple thank you, a card, or I appreciate how hard you work could just make our day!
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